The Soppiest Blog Post Ever: or, Happy New Year 2!

And last but not least is the element of 2017 that I am the most proud of. I've always kept people at arms length. Always. It became a habit and I always regarded it as a safer practise than letting them in. Letting people in caused too much damage, and people always left. Note that I write this in the past tense. Things are very different now and a great friendship kind of crept up on me.

This is going to be the soppiest blog post I'm ever going to write, I think. But I think that it's worth the [light hearted] bullying Sam is going to inflict upon me because of it. One of my favourite things about this past year, was the formation of this friendship.

I still don't know how this friendship with Sam really developed. One minute we're just talking occasionally. Then I realise I care, a lot. It kind of smacked me in the face in the best way. The next thing I know I'm having a panic attack on the floor of the university bathroom. And Lauren was there. But so was Sam, simply because I needed her and she didn't want me to be alone. The two of them sat on the bathroom floor with me for as long as it took for the negative thoughts to stop, and my legs to feel as though they could carry me again. I've never been so touched, and I've never felt so supported. I've never felt less alone, ever. That feeling has continued in the months that have followed.

Following this, Sam became even more important to me and in time I have really let her in. This is the first time that's happened in so many years. It's the very first time I've felt comfortable enough to do it and it was terrifying. It's less terrifying now. I trust that nothing bad is going to happen as a result of this friendship. I trust her. I apologise for the amount of times I've begged her not to leave me. Simply because I can't imagine my world without her in it anymore (I'm definetly getting ribbed for how soppy this is).

In the past few months, she has sat up with me for so many hours whilst I've talked about the workings of my head and all the bad things that I've thought. And she's listened, properly. She's never made me feel as if I am crazy, or said that the things I have thought are wrong. They are just thoughts. She now knows me very very well: better than anybody. She knows what I do when I'm upset without me having to put it into words, and makes me laugh more than I knew possible.

For the first time in a very long time, I am happy a lot of the time. And I feel safe. That's a very new feeling. We've had some adventures (ikea related, and non-ikea related) and she's even helped me to move house (not to mention the fact that she cleans it quite a lot too!). I feel secure in a way I have never felt before, and will probably never feel again.

Without Sam, I wouldn't be where I am now. She's pushed and encouraged me to do a lot of things: move house, and start taking my anti-depressants. Even work harder at university, and make the decision to start a Masters next year. I think that 2017 saw me at my worst, towards the end. I hit rock bottom with regard to breakdowns and I wouldn't have blamed her for leaving. I kind of expected it on the grounds that nobody has ever decided to stay before. Instead, Sam has encouraged me to embrace all of the things that have happened to me. Better still, she has encouraged me to cry, and sob. I know it has been very very scary for her too, and I'm so sorry for that. But she's the reason I'm carrying on. That I feel able to carry on. She's the reason that I feel good enough to carry on: deserving of space in the world. I am my reason for being alive (because I'm learning that you cannot live for other people) but it wouldn't be so without her sticking around. Thank you for helping me see the world differently. I

She is so so intelligent, and witty. She is caring, kind and honest and this has been unfamiliar to me. She is one beautiful and special human being, even though she'll dispute this and probably roll her eyes. But it's true! Nobody else will sit and play board games with me, or hug me whilst I cry, or build flat pack furniture with me. She's truly amazing and I have been shocked. It is the easiest friendship I've ever encountered and I get to be myself for the very first time. No matter how much of an idiot I am, or how many ridiculous things I say, or how much I cry: she stays.

So thank you for hugging me.
For sitting with me whilst I watch Gilmore Girls for hours.
For all the times you've picked me up from work, and picked me up mentally/emotionally.
Thank you for sitting on that bathroom floor with me the first time.
Thank you for the playing of board games.
Thank you for the adventures.
Thank you for all the time we've spent together and the late nights.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for cooking, sometimes.
Thank you for the cleaning!
Thank you for the late night phone calls, the dog walks, all of the coffee, and the films we've watched
Thank you for letting me cry and being patient.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for staying.

Thank you for everything. Thank you, most of all, for being you.

Sam, you are my bright place. You are my small great thing and I am so lucky to have you around (and I'm not sorry that I've broken you ever so slightly). I love you.

My apologies for the complete and total sop fest (and missing anything out if I have!)

Happy New Year, Sam. Thank you for last year, and for being by my side, and here's to another year!
S.