The Soppiest Blog Post Ever: or, Happy New Year 2!

And last but not least is the element of 2017 that I am the most proud of. I've always kept people at arms length. Always. It became a habit and I always regarded it as a safer practise than letting them in. Letting people in caused too much damage, and people always left. Note that I write this in the past tense. Things are very different now and a great friendship kind of crept up on me.

This is going to be the soppiest blog post I'm ever going to write, I think. But I think that it's worth the [light hearted] bullying Sam is going to inflict upon me because of it. One of my favourite things about this past year, was the formation of this friendship.

I still don't know how this friendship with Sam really developed. One minute we're just talking occasionally. Then I realise I care, a lot. It kind of smacked me in the face in the best way. The next thing I know I'm having a panic attack on the floor of the university bathroom. And Lauren was there. But so was Sam, simply because I needed her and she didn't want me to be alone. The two of them sat on the bathroom floor with me for as long as it took for the negative thoughts to stop, and my legs to feel as though they could carry me again. I've never been so touched, and I've never felt so supported. I've never felt less alone, ever. That feeling has continued in the months that have followed.

Following this, Sam became even more important to me and in time I have really let her in. This is the first time that's happened in so many years. It's the very first time I've felt comfortable enough to do it and it was terrifying. It's less terrifying now. I trust that nothing bad is going to happen as a result of this friendship. I trust her. I apologise for the amount of times I've begged her not to leave me. Simply because I can't imagine my world without her in it anymore (I'm definetly getting ribbed for how soppy this is).

In the past few months, she has sat up with me for so many hours whilst I've talked about the workings of my head and all the bad things that I've thought. And she's listened, properly. She's never made me feel as if I am crazy, or said that the things I have thought are wrong. They are just thoughts. She now knows me very very well: better than anybody. She knows what I do when I'm upset without me having to put it into words, and makes me laugh more than I knew possible.

For the first time in a very long time, I am happy a lot of the time. And I feel safe. That's a very new feeling. We've had some adventures (ikea related, and non-ikea related) and she's even helped me to move house (not to mention the fact that she cleans it quite a lot too!). I feel secure in a way I have never felt before, and will probably never feel again.

Without Sam, I wouldn't be where I am now. She's pushed and encouraged me to do a lot of things: move house, and start taking my anti-depressants. Even work harder at university, and make the decision to start a Masters next year. I think that 2017 saw me at my worst, towards the end. I hit rock bottom with regard to breakdowns and I wouldn't have blamed her for leaving. I kind of expected it on the grounds that nobody has ever decided to stay before. Instead, Sam has encouraged me to embrace all of the things that have happened to me. Better still, she has encouraged me to cry, and sob. I know it has been very very scary for her too, and I'm so sorry for that. But she's the reason I'm carrying on. That I feel able to carry on. She's the reason that I feel good enough to carry on: deserving of space in the world. I am my reason for being alive (because I'm learning that you cannot live for other people) but it wouldn't be so without her sticking around. Thank you for helping me see the world differently. I

She is so so intelligent, and witty. She is caring, kind and honest and this has been unfamiliar to me. She is one beautiful and special human being, even though she'll dispute this and probably roll her eyes. But it's true! Nobody else will sit and play board games with me, or hug me whilst I cry, or build flat pack furniture with me. She's truly amazing and I have been shocked. It is the easiest friendship I've ever encountered and I get to be myself for the very first time. No matter how much of an idiot I am, or how many ridiculous things I say, or how much I cry: she stays.

So thank you for hugging me.
For sitting with me whilst I watch Gilmore Girls for hours.
For all the times you've picked me up from work, and picked me up mentally/emotionally.
Thank you for sitting on that bathroom floor with me the first time.
Thank you for the playing of board games.
Thank you for the adventures.
Thank you for all the time we've spent together and the late nights.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for cooking, sometimes.
Thank you for the cleaning!
Thank you for the late night phone calls, the dog walks, all of the coffee, and the films we've watched
Thank you for letting me cry and being patient.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for staying.

Thank you for everything. Thank you, most of all, for being you.

Sam, you are my bright place. You are my small great thing and I am so lucky to have you around (and I'm not sorry that I've broken you ever so slightly). I love you.

My apologies for the complete and total sop fest (and missing anything out if I have!)

Happy New Year, Sam. Thank you for last year, and for being by my side, and here's to another year!
S.

Happy New Year!

Good morning world.

So I'm seeing a lot of posts on Instagram about a 2017 best nine. Normally, I would have participated in the photo challenge but I realised I haven't really taken many photos this year! I don't do anything to celebrate the coming of the new year but I do like to acknowledge it, and almost review the year we are leaving behind.

So I decided to do my best of 2017 in a slightly different format, and I'm blogging about them instead. Now these are going to be in no particular order but I'm going to publish a separate post for one of them. I feel that the subject deserves its own space!

Okay.

1. So I have survived 2017. I am very very proud of that. I've kept going, and I have not done so alone. I am here, and I am glad of that.

2. I've moved house! I am now renting my own little flat and I adore it. Independence feels good! And all of my nerdy stuff, and my books, are out on display. It's lovely and is very slowly coming together. It's a very peaceful and exciting journey!

3. Although it doesn't feel like it sometimes I have made an awful lot of progress this year with regards to my mental health. I've been to the doctors, sought treatment and I have processed more than I have in previous years. I am dealing with things, rather than brushing thoughts under the carpet as I would normally. I've accepted help, and that is what I'm proud of.  I've had the help of my friends, my family, and my lecturers. I could not be more grateful. I am hearing myself more, rather than silencing myself. And this feels good.

4. Then there's university. I am proud of the fact that I have worked hard through my second year of university this year. This year is my final year. I'm absolutely determined to finish with a first class degree and continue with my masters. University has been a life raft and I'm very happy with my progress academically.

5.This year I've grown very close to a wonderful group of people at university. Lauren, Abby and Richard have become incredibly dear to me this year and I've grown so much because of them. I feel settled with you guys, and comfortable. I can embrace whatever it is that I'm feeling and trust you all immensely. Being with you makes me happy. Thank you so so much for all the wonderful conversation, hugs, and pictures. Thank you for keeping me laughing and smiling, always! Here's to another excellent year together and I can't wait to graduate with you guys. I'm so proud of you all.

6. I'm aware that I haven't picked eight things yet. But there are more general items to add to the list. For example, I am bloody proud of all of the times that I have got out of bed. I am proud of the dresser I built yesterday morning. Proud of every time I have opened up this year. I am proud of the better relationships I have with my family.

New Year is a strange time of year I think. It always makes me feel a little bit lonely. I worry that being alone at new year means something. Almost as if it sets the tone for the year to come. As if it means I am truly alone. But this year is different. I spent the last hour of new year, after work, continuing to build the drawers for my dresser. I have not treated new year as though it is a big deal, and I have not made any big decisions. This feels good and peaceful.

2017 was interesting. I've gained and lost things and people. I have been happy, and sad. 2018 can only get better. I am looking forward to embracing another year, and this time I'm not going into it alone. Damn, that feels good. Here's to a new year, a new blog, and the same old me.

Well this soppy sod is out of here for the night and I need my sleep.

Good night my dears, and happy new year.

Out of Kansas, otherwise known as a new beginning;

Good evening folks.

Yes, that's right. I've started a brand new blog. What better way to start a new year, eh? For personal reasons, I felt it was time to move on and re-establish myself almost. Ravens, Writing Desks and Books no longer felt like my space anymore. Which in turn didn't make it feels as safe to me as it always had done. So here I am as A Breath of Fresh Eyre. I'm really excited to start afresh here. But you're entirely welcome to peruse my previous blog and I will leave the link in the navigation bar at the top. This is a chance for me to be more organised in my thinking, and my writing. I think toward the end of my time at Ravens, Writing Desks and Books it was becoming more of a blog for the sake of blogging. There was no consistency, and it often ended up being quite mental health centred. Which I am incredibly proud of. But I want more of a structure this time, more of a schedule and a consistent one at that. I want a variety of different posts.

I want to continue to promote Mental Health awareness because I still think it's important. Whether or not that is always applicable to my own journey is uncertain yet. But being objective once in a while has never hurt anyone! I will, of course, continue to document my journey. But I want to focus more on wider issues: social injustice and the like. I want to talk about books, and the things that are making me happy. Not just the things that are making me sad. So this is my brand new fresh start! I've been gifted a new planner for Christmas too, so you can expect many many pictures from that! It is truly beautiful.

Meanwhile, I have tried to keep things the same where possible. I've more or less copied my layout over! I was very fond of that. And I've created a new banner- but I'm still undecided about that. But it's something to work on!

As for the title, well who doesn't love a literary pun? This particular one is courtesy of my very wonderful best friend. Thank you Sam!

Anyway, we're not in Kansas anymore. This blog will be different and I am incredibly excited!

I'll return soon guys- and I mean that!

I hope that you all had a very merry Christmas!

S