Wednesday 17 January 2018

I am happy.

So this doesn't happen very often and normally I'm blogging about the things that make me miserable and expressing confusion. However, today I am feeling happy and settled and secure. It feels like a long time since things have been this good and positive. This blog post has entirely no purpose other than for me to gush about how happy and comfortable I feel right now.

Tonight, I am sitting in the middle of my bed. I'm in my pyjamas, and a hoodie, and there are books littering my bed. I am watching Friends. Here, I feel safe and happy and calm. This is the same place I sit when I am depressed. And yet here I am blogging, rather than staring into space aimlessly. I have a habit of taking to my bed when anxiety sets in and its not a good habit. But tonight, relaxing in bed is a reward. It's a treat and it feels good.

This week has been incredibly hard. This week I buried my Grandad and I read at his funeral. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. This week I've talked through a few things from the past. And I've confronted a lot, I guess. And even though I have felt like retreating to my bed and not emerging for the rest of the week, I haven't. I've thought about the bad habits I used to practise in times of stress or sadness. But I've held out, and not cried or missed them. I'm really proud of all of that.

Last night I had a wonderful dinner with my best friend, and my family. Then we played monopoly. This has contributed largely to todays happiness. I'm feeling much more in touch with myself again. I'm grateful to be alive, and this is a rare feeling. I don't feel the void in my chest as much as I normally do. This is nice. I can feel something other than panic and confusion and complete despair.

I'm very lucky to have a wonderful circle of friends, to have my best friend, and to have better and stronger relationships with my mother, sister, and nan. I think when feeling depressed it is really easy to feel alone, and isolated. But tonight, although I am alone, I don't feel isolated or lonely. I feel settled, and calmer and relaxed. There is no pressure.

I'm not completely free from anxiety but this is okay. I am happy. I feel strong, and capable for the first time in years. I can do this.

I think what I'm trying to say is that this week I have found happiness in the small victories. That's something I struggle to do so it feels good to acknowledge things and reward myself for them. I am going to be okay. Feeling sad does not make me a bad person, or a burden. I am surrounded by people I love and who love me and who are not going to leave me.

Everything is going to be okay and everything feels lovely right now.

I hope you're all well, and as happy as you can be.

good night.

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