The Birthday Countdown

Okay, on Monday I turn twenty-one. I am really really excited. I figure it's worth doing some sort of evaluation of my twentieth year on the planet. Like a really honest evaluation. I hate thinking of endings just being specific to New Year. I like to think that I can start again, or create a new beginning any time. Like opening a new book, I guess. Strange, right? Maybe I'm putting too much thought into a birthday; twenty one just seems like a milestone!

Okay, so I want to list a few good things that have happened this year:

1. So I read a lot of good books. Some for university, some for pleasure. Not as many books as I would have liked, but I'm back to reading quickly in my last few days as a twenty year old. I'll maybe include a list here tomorrow!

2. I met my best friend. I formed the strongest friendship of my life; one that I know I will have for the rest of my life. Sam is a one of a kind human being and I'm very lucky to have her in my life. She is completely and totally wonderful. Witty, perfect, beautiful and everything I've been missing in my life until now.

3. I moved out. I got my own place. I'm really really proud of my flat, it's pretty and I get to put all of my books whenever I want them in the flat. That's my favourite thing, ever. I love singing and prancing around in various states of undress (you all really needed to know that...!)

4. I did a brave thing and admitted my mental health was taking a nose dive, and had been for a very long time. Subsequently, I started taking anti-depressants. I've been on them for about 6-8 months and I wouldn't look back. I need them. Twenty was a rocky year. But by the end of it, I can honestly say that it's getting better. I hope this trend continues on into my twenty first year. My mental health is getting better.

5. Simultaneously, I've started accepting and processing a lot of things. It's really bloody frightening but I'm proud of that fact.

6. I've moved on from a lot of toxic people, and this came from a lot of evaluating and facing up to things. I've listened to some advice from people I can now trust (I've now formed a good circle of people that I can trust!).

7. I fell in love for the first time. Totally and completely. And it was beautiful and perfect and made me incredibly happy. It was everything I could have hoped for. And god did it hurt when it was over. But I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was completely perfect. And I have nothing left to say on the subject.

8. Oh oh oh! I've put on weight! For the first time in my life, I don't hate the way I look so entirely. I've put weight on, and I'm okay with it. I eat more regularly than I have ever done. I'm very proud of that.

9. I've formed even stronger friendships with my university friends, and other people. Lauren, Richard, and Abby are three of the most wonderful souls in my world and I wouldn't know what to do without them.

10. Now, I am two weeks away from finishing university (god help me!) and I didn't think I'd make it to the end, and I've thought this on more than one occasion. For a variety of reasons I guess, some big and some small. But finally, I am almost there. I am a few thousand words from finishing and the day I graduate will be one of the best days of my life. It's one of my greatest achievements.

Okay, so I',m done with my self obsessed ramblings. I needed that, I think. The best I can hope is that my twenty first year continues without self hate, continues with achievements and studying, and more love. I will be happy and I will continue to be stronger. That's all I want for the next year.

I hope you're all well and happy.

S x