Being Brave (...on a life after depression!)

 Morning Folks,

So following Matt Haig on twitter is inspiring. I'll say that first. Sometimes I get to a point where I begin to worry that talking about my mental health is oversharing, and as though I'm irritating. But reading Matt Haig's tweets mean that I feel safe and confident enough to share. I will gain nothing from being silent and afraid, and nor will those that battle alongside me. So I am trying to be brave.

The thing about coming out of depression is that it feels like getting to know yourself again. It feels like one day you've bumped into a person you once knew inside out, but have lost touch with. Except that person is yourself. Life after depression, and life whilst coming out of it, is like having a big long catch up with yourself. Remembering all the things you once loved, what kind of a person you are when you're not lost in a void. It's exciting and new. And yet it is incredibly terrifying to realise how much of myself I had forgotten and ignored.

And that's where I am now. I'm not drowning in the big void, but rather paddling at the edges of it. I can breathe again. The void was not pretty, and whilst I accept that I might end up floating around in the middle again at some point, it's really damn good to just dangle my toes in the water and sit on the grass bank. And there is not a big and empty hole in the middle of my chest everyday. The weight of the world is not on my shoulders any longer and it feels good.  I've been realising that I had completely forgotten to take care of myself, and to do the things that I loved. It has truly astounded me.

In a way, depression felt like an out of body experience. And I am only just checking back in.

I don't know if I'd say I wasn't depressed anymore. I think it still lingers. But I am, very slowly, coming out of it. I am recovering every day. I'm finally ready to talk about things that I couldn't stand to think about a few months ago. I am ready to be brave, at long last. It's strange to me now that I am able to get up and out of bed most mornings without crying, overthinking or lingering for a couple of hours. I can now sit in my bed in the middle of the day and know that it is not because I am depressed.

Okay, I'll admit that I still have panic attacks. And I am still anxious a lot of the time. I still apologise quite a bit (as pointed out by my best friend). My mood still changes pretty rapidly and I still let a lot of things get to me. But I know how to handle these episodes now, and I am getting better at self soothing. I've put on a stone in weight, because I am eating regularly now. And I'm reading again, I'm talking to people, and sleeping more.

Four to five months ago, I wanted to die. I'll admit that. Now, for the first time in my life I have bumped into myself on the street again and I'm not repulsed by what I have found. Steph, post depression, is brighter. Her hair is purple, and she has put weight on. She looks healthy and she has so so much to say. I've realised that I cannot go backwards. I can't go back to the me that I was before I slipped and fell into depression. That ship has sailed, I'm afraid. And in truth, I can't remember what that time of life was like. It seems as though depression has either taken those memories too, or has perhaps always overshadowed my life. I wasn't ready to talk, or to accept help, or to admit that there was something wrong. Instead I have accepted that the person I am now is, essentially, someone that I have never known before. She is new to me, and I am learning to walk in her shoes. They are slightly bigger, but they're very pretty.

I'm not going to sit here and preach about self love, and how that can help. Whilst that's true, I know that until recently I wasn't ready to love and be kind to myself. I didn't know how to, and I just didn't want to. I felt unworthy of any kind of love, especially love that came from within. A lecturer of mine often tells me to ride things like spells of anxiety, and panic out. To simply accept that they are happening, and go with it. But to talk about it. And I'll sit in the office with him, or sit with my best friend, or call my mom. Just to talk about the things that are going around in my head. The only piece of advice I will give here, is to try not to bottle things up. Sharing is good, but only if you feel capable of it.

Forgiveness was a huge and important part of my recovery. Acceptance, too. Accepting that I was depressed, and forgiving myself for it. It was not my fault. I've accepted that I have not always made good choices, and forgiven myself for those too. I've forgiven myself for errors of judgement. For all of the hours I have wasted being silent, and not defending myself. For allowing other people to hurt me. And for all of the harm I have done to myself, as well as other people. There are a lot of things I needed to think about, and forgive myself for. I'm ready to do that now.

I hope that you are all having good weeks, and being kind to yourself.

S

2018 books I'm looking forward to.

Good morning world. So it's like quarter to three in the morning and I am still at work, waiting for a phone call. I've started a book and got half way through. But after the book, I have very little left to do until the phone call comes (whenever that may be). And I really can't fall asleep on a desk. So I decided I'd start a blog post with more good intentions, even though I'm painfully aware that this might just become yet another draft post on this: things that I get lost in, or forget about.

I am quite sure that there is something much more important I am meant to be doing. And if my lecturer reads this, he will most certainly agree with me. However, I'm taking some time this morning to just write. Simply because I need to. And I might return today, but I might not. My head is a little bit full right now. So I'm going to write about books. Books that I am looking forward to being released this year. I'll try to include a Goodreads link for each one!

 I Have Lost My Way: Gayle Forman
I had so so much love for If I Stay, and Just One Day. The only one of her books I haven't read is Leave Me. But it's on my list for this year. Forman is incredibly accessible and I love her YA fiction. Perhaps it is because her writing is simple. I can only hope that it's as good as If I Stay and Where she Went. 

‘‘You gonna be okay,’’ she says.

‘‘How can you know that?’’ Harun asks. 

“When a broken bone heals, it’s stronger than it was before the break,’’ she replies. “Same holds true for broken hearts.’’

 The Next person You Meet in Heaven: Mitch Albom

The Five People You Meet In Heaven changed me: totally and completely. It altered my ways of thinking and outlook on life in more ways than any other book ever has, quite possibly. I've read a couple more Albom novels after this but nothing has ever quite lived up to the brilliance of The Five People You Meet In Heaven. I'm really hoping that the sequel will be the same.

“You have peace," the old woman said, "when you make it with yourself.”
(From The Five People You Meet in Heaven).

 Notes On A Nervous Planet: Matt Haig
Now, I suppose that this is a tricky one and I had a confession to make. I've not yet managed to finish Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive. Why? Because I find it easier to read fiction when I am depressed. I like to escape my head if I can. And when I'm feeling okay, I'm scared of rocking the boat. I am not so far ahead of my depression that I feel I can engage with such a reflective text. Regardless of this, I absolutely adore Haig. I think he is revolutionary. I find him comforting, in his fiction and his tweets! Eventually, I will get around to Reasons to Stay Alive! I am excited about Notes on a Nervous Planet all the same and will probably engage with it sooner rather than later.

 Legendary: Stephanie Garber
Oh my god. Where to begin? I have a big soft spot for YA: especially YA fantasy novels. Caraval was one I received in a Fairy Loot box at some point last year. I think I managed it in one sitting: I was hooked! But I have so many questions! I cannot wait to read this sequel. It reminds me of the Night Circus, but better, which I didn't ever imagine was possible! I thought legend was such an interesting character, and we know so little about him from Caraval. I'm ready for a good back story now. And the cover art is absolutely beautiful. I'll be posting a review of this as soon as it comes out and I can get my hands on it.
“Every person has the power to change their fate if they are brave enough to fight for what they desire more than anything.”  

How Do You Like Me Now?: Holly Bourne

I have a lot of love for Holly Bourne. Late last year, I went to a Waterstones signing for her YA novel It Only Happens in The Movies. She is so grounded, awesome and a really big feminist! She's super entertaining and fun but is passionate about making a change in the world with regard to gender roles and limitations. I love that about her. I'm really interested to see where she goes with an adult novel! I'm very much in love with her Spinster Club series, too; it's fantastic!

And that's not the only Holly Bourne novel I'm excited about....

Look at thiss! This was only announced a couple of days ago, and I am already over the moon at Bourne's upcoming YA publication! I am well and truly fan

Are We All Lemmings and Snowflakes?

It doesn't even have a cover yet. But Bourne is an author that I know will produce something relatable and amazing. Very very excited! There's no Goodreads information on this novel yet, but I'm sure there will be very soon! And August isn't too far away now!

A Court of Frost and Starlight: Sarah J Maas

And finally, I draw this post (or rather a list of excited ramblings) to a close with another of my favourite YA authors. Miss Sarah J Maas. I loved the Court of Thorns and Roses trilogy. Rhysand and Feyre will never ever be beaten by another fictional couple. Not even my love for Elizabeth and Darcy can compare (at least I don't think...). I was sure that Maas would be leaving my favourites behind and branching off into other aspects of this world.

So a novella in the same universe will be absolutely perfect. I cannot wait to get back to all of the wonderful characters!!

It's like quarter to four in the morning now, and I'm still at work. But I'm going to get back to a book now. I get to go home soon (I hope!).

Night Night guys.

Just More Everyday Sexism...

So this week marks 100 years in the UK since certain women gained the right to vote and to stand for parliament. Not all women, I hasten to add. But it certainly marks an influx and that needs celebrating! It’s a remarkable step on a much longer path. This week marks progress and that is wonderful.  I am recognising this week as the anniversary of a small victory. And I leave a picture of the first suffragette that I remember (even though there are a whole lot of contradictions involved in her character!): Winifred Banks from Mary Poppins.

But I suppose as a further step in the right direction, I wanted to discuss something serious and sinister. But I’m getting more and more concerned about the frequency of sexual harassment in the world. I worry about whether or not people are aware of what is sexual harassment. And I worry about how much of it goes unreported for various reasons.

 Okay, so I figure that the best place to start would be the dictionary definition of sexual harassment. It’s a term we’re all aware of. But I think the line is often blurred between what is acceptable and what isn’t.

 The Legal Dictionary provided me with this:

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favours, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that tends to create a hostile or offensive work environment. 

I’d say that was pretty accurate. Apparently, it’s difficult to differentiate between sexual harassment and flirting. I beg to differ and I don’t know why we need articles that differentiate between the two concepts. I did a lot of research in preparation for this post this morning and I found websites like ACAS. Google’s definition of sexual harassment refers to ‘mostly women’ and the Guardian’s article on the differences between sexual harassment and flirting leans toward the same assumption: that women are the only ones who suffer sexual harassment. However, they do offer a checklist to encourage Men to evaluate whether some flirting attempts are sexual harassment. Which, I suppose, is helpful. But it concerns me that this is necessary! However, ACAS acknowledges that 'sexual harassment' can happen to anyone. 

It breaks my heart to hear that anyone suffer these sorts of encounters, let alone my friends and family. And more than once, I’ve suggested that it should be reported and it should. Perhaps this is naive of me. Perhaps I am too hopeful and too trusting of authority figures, to presume that these figures are approachable, trustworthy, and not encouraging of the sexual harassment. 

On more than one occasion I have heard them say ‘but it wouldn’t achieve or change anything’. And this is something I've said myself. That is absolutely disgusting and incredibly sad. I cannot help but wonder how many people are putting up with this sort of behaviour on the account of being too scared to say anything, or simply because knowing that nothing will change. Everyday Sexism, and similar blogs, detail accounts of women that have been afraid to report it, in case they did something to encourage it. In case it is somehow their fault. I wonder how many women think that it can’t be sexual harassment because they view themselves as unattractive - because they lack confidence.

I wonder how many people simply don't know what sexual harassment is. I spoke to my mom, whilst writing this. And I gave her some examples sexual comments and asked her to identify which ones she thought were flirting, and which were sexual harassment. Long story short, it became very clear that not even my mother knew. Which isn't her fault at all! I'm just pointing out the lack of awareness surrounding the topic. And how easy it is to mask these inappropriate comments as harmless flirting. 

I've heard stories of girls that have been groped in the work place. 
Friends that been called ‘sexy’, and guys have commented that they're good with their hands but wondered ‘what else [they] can do with them’.

 To the point where figures of authority are commenting about the size of young women's chests, and suggesting that surgery is an option for any inadequacy in that department. Even commenting that these young women would be more favourable if certain assets were bigger. I've heard young women write these comments off as 'banter'. 

And these comments, and remarks, and these women feeling uncomfortable as a result is considered acceptable. Because they come from authority figures. I'm trying to avoid gender stereotypes. And I'm not saying that women are always victims, and men are always the perpetrators. But the sad, statistical fact is that it is often about power. And those with the power to hire and fire tend to be men, and exploit those without the economic or social resources to walk away, quit or challenge harassers. 

So what isn't acceptable? well, anything that makes a person feel uncomfortable.
But what is sexual harassment? (some of these come with explanations and examples).

1. Asking for sexual favours.2. Sexual jokes. Even the minor things such as being referred to as 'sexy', or somebody enquiring 'what else [you] can do with [your] hands', is sexual harassment. It is critical to realise this. If sexual jokes are being made at your expense, that can also be sexual harassment. 3. Sexual discrimination.
So maybe the jokes aren't aimed at you, personally. But they might be made so frequently that it is making you feel uncomfortable. Even more so if yours is the minority gender in the workplace. Yup, this is sexual harassment.
4. Cyber attacks.
5. Unwanted physical contact.
Not necessarily sexual contact. But persistent and unwanted contact counts.
6. Attacks upon sexual orientation. 

I feel it's also necessary to point out that trade unions can protect their members by speaking up for intimidated individuals. I acknowledge how difficult it is. But I would urge anyone to speak up. For themselves, and for others. 

It's suggested, widely, that chick flicks have contributed to the changing ideas surrounding sexual harassment and the notion of 'banter'. That the women in chick flicks never seem to mean 'no', when they say it. And these ideas have bled into reality. This really, really worries me. There are so so many problems with Romantic Comedies, as a genre. I found a pretty awesome video in which Bill Maher tears the genre to shreds; Comedies in the Metro era! He identifies the limiting plots in which 'she married her boss, stalking is romantic and I hate you, but then I love you'. He even mentions the problems with Disney movies such as Snow White. It will never cease to amaze me that sexual harassment sells, and yet I'm just as guilty as anybody else. And how easy it is to sell it!

One last thing, and probably the most important:

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and are well.

S

I am happy.

So this doesn't happen very often and normally I'm blogging about the things that make me miserable and expressing confusion. However, today I am feeling happy and settled and secure. It feels like a long time since things have been this good and positive. This blog post has entirely no purpose other than for me to gush about how happy and comfortable I feel right now.

Tonight, I am sitting in the middle of my bed. I'm in my pyjamas, and a hoodie, and there are books littering my bed. I am watching Friends. Here, I feel safe and happy and calm. This is the same place I sit when I am depressed. And yet here I am blogging, rather than staring into space aimlessly. I have a habit of taking to my bed when anxiety sets in and its not a good habit. But tonight, relaxing in bed is a reward. It's a treat and it feels good.

This week has been incredibly hard. This week I buried my Grandad and I read at his funeral. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. This week I've talked through a few things from the past. And I've confronted a lot, I guess. And even though I have felt like retreating to my bed and not emerging for the rest of the week, I haven't. I've thought about the bad habits I used to practise in times of stress or sadness. But I've held out, and not cried or missed them. I'm really proud of all of that.

Last night I had a wonderful dinner with my best friend, and my family. Then we played monopoly. This has contributed largely to todays happiness. I'm feeling much more in touch with myself again. I'm grateful to be alive, and this is a rare feeling. I don't feel the void in my chest as much as I normally do. This is nice. I can feel something other than panic and confusion and complete despair.

I'm very lucky to have a wonderful circle of friends, to have my best friend, and to have better and stronger relationships with my mother, sister, and nan. I think when feeling depressed it is really easy to feel alone, and isolated. But tonight, although I am alone, I don't feel isolated or lonely. I feel settled, and calmer and relaxed. There is no pressure.

I'm not completely free from anxiety but this is okay. I am happy. I feel strong, and capable for the first time in years. I can do this.

I think what I'm trying to say is that this week I have found happiness in the small victories. That's something I struggle to do so it feels good to acknowledge things and reward myself for them. I am going to be okay. Feeling sad does not make me a bad person, or a burden. I am surrounded by people I love and who love me and who are not going to leave me.

Everything is going to be okay and everything feels lovely right now.

I hope you're all well, and as happy as you can be.

good night.

Self Help Books.

Good Afternoon folks!

I'm still settling into the new flat and have been moving a lot of furniture around this week (and spending a lot of money) All of my bedroom furniture now matches, and will look amazing as soon as I finish building everything. I still have wardrobe doors to put on. But I've moved my book cases around and rearranged- and even put a new one up! Whilst doing so, I've been thinking about the things that aid me in dealing with my mental health and day to day anxiety. Without a doubt, reading is one of those things. It's something I forget about sometimes. And it is something that I don't do enough. I've realised that I have purchased a lot of self help books over the years. I decided to compile my favourites and put them in a blog post. I'm considering doing a series of posts regarding tools for managing mental health.

So I'll start with Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive. I've had this since it came out- it was the first book I bought after my parents separated and I started to slip back into depression. Reasons to Stay Alive was too much for me at that time. I was seventeen and encouraged me to face my feelings head on. And I wasn't ready. So for a while I left it on the shelf, untouched. I finished a while later and I wished I had done it sooner. Haig is a wonderfully talented writer, who is unafraid to discuss the intricacies of mental health. He imagines interactions between his previously depressed self and a present day self that has survived the depression. A self that can see a better future, and a break from the misery. Haig personifies the depression, and I adore it. It's what I do a lot of the time because the feelings then become easier to explain. Depression feels so strange. It feels like it's something that is uniquely yours. Something that makes you strange, and weird and different and so very alone. So when Matt Haig describes a demon that was 'real and false all at once', I can both see and feel it. I recognise this 'three foot [...] impish and grey' looking demon. Matt Haig talks about facing it head on, and getting better. But also accepting that it feels like it is always going to get worse before it feels better. Matt Haig made me feel normal again- and that is so so important to me.

Next? Let's go with 14000 Things To Be Happy About! This little book is so so sweet and I have a tendency to forget it is there. I should find comfort in this book more often. It is just a big long list of things to be happy about. The list includes items such as 'curling up in a ball', 'a timid tiger', 'dance marathons' and 'Santa's kitchen'. There are relatable things on these lists, just as there are some really crazy things on the list. But the crazy things are guaranteed to make you laugh. Even if you don't feel like it. The list will make you smile, and recall old memories that you'd forgotten. It makes you think, and appreciate the little things. That could never be a bad thing.

I'm going to talk about Dodie's Secrets For the Mad next. This is a book that I've only had for a couple of weeks, if that. And I haven't had chance to get properly acquainted with it as much as the others. Dodie addresses her book, first of all, to 'the people with minds that just don't stop; for those who feel everything a thousand times more than others around them'. The most recent occasion that I have fallen into depression, I would curl up and ground myself with books and the occasional youtube video. Watching Dodie's vlog documenting her depression meant I was able to confront my own feelings in a small way. It was a start and eventually my best friend convinced me to completely confront my feelings and depression. Dodie's book makes me feel as normal and as comforted as her youtube channel does. The book is divided into My Bad Brain, Obsessions, Confessions, Life Lessons and Encore. It's a really cool structure and Dodie covers so much more than just mental health problems. I like that she does this, it shows that there is so much more to life than the depression and anxiety. Dodie refers to her 'bad brain' and states that it 'demands to be dramatic'. This is something I can sympathise with. Dodie's book scares me less than perhaps Matt Haig's book does. Maybe it's the inserted song pages, and doodles that make it seem less terrifying. But I find comfort in them both, just in different ways. Sometimes I am in need of the confrontation of reality and my feelings that Haig provides. But sometimes I am also in need of the softer approach of Dodie Clarke.

Okay. Finally, I want to talk about Fearne Cotton's Happy Journal. The journal is a companion to Cotton's self help book. And I'll confess, it's one that I haven't read. On occasion, I find journals helpful with regard to my mental health. But I also find it hard to make a habit of. It's something I would really like to work to and commit to. Cotton's book is a lovely idea. The pages are colourful and full of useful promts to encourage positive thinking. And I understand that it's about being more suscinct, but I would have liked more space to write. However, I think Fearne Cotton's journal made me realise that I find more comfort within books like Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive, and Dodie's Secrets for the Mad. I prefer books, when I am at my most depressed, that do not require me to interact. Though I'll accept that sometimes interaction and self evaluation is a good process to go through. I am happy to have this journal in my possession.

Okay, so I'm really fond of self help books. Especially with regard to my mental health. And I completely recommend every single one of these books. I might follow this up with a list of fictional books that I've found helpful and enjoy!

Well I hope you're all having a wonderful Saturday afternoon and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

S x

The Soppiest Blog Post Ever: or, Happy New Year 2!

And last but not least is the element of 2017 that I am the most proud of. I've always kept people at arms length. Always. It became a habit and I always regarded it as a safer practise than letting them in. Letting people in caused too much damage, and people always left. Note that I write this in the past tense. Things are very different now and a great friendship kind of crept up on me.

This is going to be the soppiest blog post I'm ever going to write, I think. But I think that it's worth the [light hearted] bullying Sam is going to inflict upon me because of it. One of my favourite things about this past year, was the formation of this friendship.

I still don't know how this friendship with Sam really developed. One minute we're just talking occasionally. Then I realise I care, a lot. It kind of smacked me in the face in the best way. The next thing I know I'm having a panic attack on the floor of the university bathroom. And Lauren was there. But so was Sam, simply because I needed her and she didn't want me to be alone. The two of them sat on the bathroom floor with me for as long as it took for the negative thoughts to stop, and my legs to feel as though they could carry me again. I've never been so touched, and I've never felt so supported. I've never felt less alone, ever. That feeling has continued in the months that have followed.

Following this, Sam became even more important to me and in time I have really let her in. This is the first time that's happened in so many years. It's the very first time I've felt comfortable enough to do it and it was terrifying. It's less terrifying now. I trust that nothing bad is going to happen as a result of this friendship. I trust her. I apologise for the amount of times I've begged her not to leave me. Simply because I can't imagine my world without her in it anymore (I'm definetly getting ribbed for how soppy this is).

In the past few months, she has sat up with me for so many hours whilst I've talked about the workings of my head and all the bad things that I've thought. And she's listened, properly. She's never made me feel as if I am crazy, or said that the things I have thought are wrong. They are just thoughts. She now knows me very very well: better than anybody. She knows what I do when I'm upset without me having to put it into words, and makes me laugh more than I knew possible.

For the first time in a very long time, I am happy a lot of the time. And I feel safe. That's a very new feeling. We've had some adventures (ikea related, and non-ikea related) and she's even helped me to move house (not to mention the fact that she cleans it quite a lot too!). I feel secure in a way I have never felt before, and will probably never feel again.

Without Sam, I wouldn't be where I am now. She's pushed and encouraged me to do a lot of things: move house, and start taking my anti-depressants. Even work harder at university, and make the decision to start a Masters next year. I think that 2017 saw me at my worst, towards the end. I hit rock bottom with regard to breakdowns and I wouldn't have blamed her for leaving. I kind of expected it on the grounds that nobody has ever decided to stay before. Instead, Sam has encouraged me to embrace all of the things that have happened to me. Better still, she has encouraged me to cry, and sob. I know it has been very very scary for her too, and I'm so sorry for that. But she's the reason I'm carrying on. That I feel able to carry on. She's the reason that I feel good enough to carry on: deserving of space in the world. I am my reason for being alive (because I'm learning that you cannot live for other people) but it wouldn't be so without her sticking around. Thank you for helping me see the world differently. I

She is so so intelligent, and witty. She is caring, kind and honest and this has been unfamiliar to me. She is one beautiful and special human being, even though she'll dispute this and probably roll her eyes. But it's true! Nobody else will sit and play board games with me, or hug me whilst I cry, or build flat pack furniture with me. She's truly amazing and I have been shocked. It is the easiest friendship I've ever encountered and I get to be myself for the very first time. No matter how much of an idiot I am, or how many ridiculous things I say, or how much I cry: she stays.

So thank you for hugging me.
For sitting with me whilst I watch Gilmore Girls for hours.
For all the times you've picked me up from work, and picked me up mentally/emotionally.
Thank you for sitting on that bathroom floor with me the first time.
Thank you for the playing of board games.
Thank you for the adventures.
Thank you for all the time we've spent together and the late nights.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for cooking, sometimes.
Thank you for the cleaning!
Thank you for the late night phone calls, the dog walks, all of the coffee, and the films we've watched
Thank you for letting me cry and being patient.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for staying.

Thank you for everything. Thank you, most of all, for being you.

Sam, you are my bright place. You are my small great thing and I am so lucky to have you around (and I'm not sorry that I've broken you ever so slightly). I love you.

My apologies for the complete and total sop fest (and missing anything out if I have!)

Happy New Year, Sam. Thank you for last year, and for being by my side, and here's to another year!
S.

Happy New Year!

Good morning world.

So I'm seeing a lot of posts on Instagram about a 2017 best nine. Normally, I would have participated in the photo challenge but I realised I haven't really taken many photos this year! I don't do anything to celebrate the coming of the new year but I do like to acknowledge it, and almost review the year we are leaving behind.

So I decided to do my best of 2017 in a slightly different format, and I'm blogging about them instead. Now these are going to be in no particular order but I'm going to publish a separate post for one of them. I feel that the subject deserves its own space!

Okay.

1. So I have survived 2017. I am very very proud of that. I've kept going, and I have not done so alone. I am here, and I am glad of that.

2. I've moved house! I am now renting my own little flat and I adore it. Independence feels good! And all of my nerdy stuff, and my books, are out on display. It's lovely and is very slowly coming together. It's a very peaceful and exciting journey!

3. Although it doesn't feel like it sometimes I have made an awful lot of progress this year with regards to my mental health. I've been to the doctors, sought treatment and I have processed more than I have in previous years. I am dealing with things, rather than brushing thoughts under the carpet as I would normally. I've accepted help, and that is what I'm proud of.  I've had the help of my friends, my family, and my lecturers. I could not be more grateful. I am hearing myself more, rather than silencing myself. And this feels good.

4. Then there's university. I am proud of the fact that I have worked hard through my second year of university this year. This year is my final year. I'm absolutely determined to finish with a first class degree and continue with my masters. University has been a life raft and I'm very happy with my progress academically.

5.This year I've grown very close to a wonderful group of people at university. Lauren, Abby and Richard have become incredibly dear to me this year and I've grown so much because of them. I feel settled with you guys, and comfortable. I can embrace whatever it is that I'm feeling and trust you all immensely. Being with you makes me happy. Thank you so so much for all the wonderful conversation, hugs, and pictures. Thank you for keeping me laughing and smiling, always! Here's to another excellent year together and I can't wait to graduate with you guys. I'm so proud of you all.

6. I'm aware that I haven't picked eight things yet. But there are more general items to add to the list. For example, I am bloody proud of all of the times that I have got out of bed. I am proud of the dresser I built yesterday morning. Proud of every time I have opened up this year. I am proud of the better relationships I have with my family.

New Year is a strange time of year I think. It always makes me feel a little bit lonely. I worry that being alone at new year means something. Almost as if it sets the tone for the year to come. As if it means I am truly alone. But this year is different. I spent the last hour of new year, after work, continuing to build the drawers for my dresser. I have not treated new year as though it is a big deal, and I have not made any big decisions. This feels good and peaceful.

2017 was interesting. I've gained and lost things and people. I have been happy, and sad. 2018 can only get better. I am looking forward to embracing another year, and this time I'm not going into it alone. Damn, that feels good. Here's to a new year, a new blog, and the same old me.

Well this soppy sod is out of here for the night and I need my sleep.

Good night my dears, and happy new year.

Out of Kansas, otherwise known as a new beginning;

Good evening folks.

Yes, that's right. I've started a brand new blog. What better way to start a new year, eh? For personal reasons, I felt it was time to move on and re-establish myself almost. Ravens, Writing Desks and Books no longer felt like my space anymore. Which in turn didn't make it feels as safe to me as it always had done. So here I am as A Breath of Fresh Eyre. I'm really excited to start afresh here. But you're entirely welcome to peruse my previous blog and I will leave the link in the navigation bar at the top. This is a chance for me to be more organised in my thinking, and my writing. I think toward the end of my time at Ravens, Writing Desks and Books it was becoming more of a blog for the sake of blogging. There was no consistency, and it often ended up being quite mental health centred. Which I am incredibly proud of. But I want more of a structure this time, more of a schedule and a consistent one at that. I want a variety of different posts.

I want to continue to promote Mental Health awareness because I still think it's important. Whether or not that is always applicable to my own journey is uncertain yet. But being objective once in a while has never hurt anyone! I will, of course, continue to document my journey. But I want to focus more on wider issues: social injustice and the like. I want to talk about books, and the things that are making me happy. Not just the things that are making me sad. So this is my brand new fresh start! I've been gifted a new planner for Christmas too, so you can expect many many pictures from that! It is truly beautiful.

Meanwhile, I have tried to keep things the same where possible. I've more or less copied my layout over! I was very fond of that. And I've created a new banner- but I'm still undecided about that. But it's something to work on!

As for the title, well who doesn't love a literary pun? This particular one is courtesy of my very wonderful best friend. Thank you Sam!

Anyway, we're not in Kansas anymore. This blog will be different and I am incredibly excited!

I'll return soon guys- and I mean that!

I hope that you all had a very merry Christmas!

S