The Birthday Countdown

Okay, on Monday I turn twenty-one. I am really really excited. I figure it's worth doing some sort of evaluation of my twentieth year on the planet. Like a really honest evaluation. I hate thinking of endings just being specific to New Year. I like to think that I can start again, or create a new beginning any time. Like opening a new book, I guess. Strange, right? Maybe I'm putting too much thought into a birthday; twenty one just seems like a milestone!

Okay, so I want to list a few good things that have happened this year:

1. So I read a lot of good books. Some for university, some for pleasure. Not as many books as I would have liked, but I'm back to reading quickly in my last few days as a twenty year old. I'll maybe include a list here tomorrow!

2. I met my best friend. I formed the strongest friendship of my life; one that I know I will have for the rest of my life. Sam is a one of a kind human being and I'm very lucky to have her in my life. She is completely and totally wonderful. Witty, perfect, beautiful and everything I've been missing in my life until now.

3. I moved out. I got my own place. I'm really really proud of my flat, it's pretty and I get to put all of my books whenever I want them in the flat. That's my favourite thing, ever. I love singing and prancing around in various states of undress (you all really needed to know that...!)

4. I did a brave thing and admitted my mental health was taking a nose dive, and had been for a very long time. Subsequently, I started taking anti-depressants. I've been on them for about 6-8 months and I wouldn't look back. I need them. Twenty was a rocky year. But by the end of it, I can honestly say that it's getting better. I hope this trend continues on into my twenty first year. My mental health is getting better.

5. Simultaneously, I've started accepting and processing a lot of things. It's really bloody frightening but I'm proud of that fact.

6. I've moved on from a lot of toxic people, and this came from a lot of evaluating and facing up to things. I've listened to some advice from people I can now trust (I've now formed a good circle of people that I can trust!).

7. I fell in love for the first time. Totally and completely. And it was beautiful and perfect and made me incredibly happy. It was everything I could have hoped for. And god did it hurt when it was over. But I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was completely perfect. And I have nothing left to say on the subject.

8. Oh oh oh! I've put on weight! For the first time in my life, I don't hate the way I look so entirely. I've put weight on, and I'm okay with it. I eat more regularly than I have ever done. I'm very proud of that.

9. I've formed even stronger friendships with my university friends, and other people. Lauren, Richard, and Abby are three of the most wonderful souls in my world and I wouldn't know what to do without them.

10. Now, I am two weeks away from finishing university (god help me!) and I didn't think I'd make it to the end, and I've thought this on more than one occasion. For a variety of reasons I guess, some big and some small. But finally, I am almost there. I am a few thousand words from finishing and the day I graduate will be one of the best days of my life. It's one of my greatest achievements.

Okay, so I',m done with my self obsessed ramblings. I needed that, I think. The best I can hope is that my twenty first year continues without self hate, continues with achievements and studying, and more love. I will be happy and I will continue to be stronger. That's all I want for the next year.

I hope you're all well and happy.

S x

A letter to a future self...

Dear Self:

So now seems like a good time for a bit of a sit down with myself.

I guess that things are a little bit shit right now. I'm struggling with myself. Steph, right now your heart has been broken for the first time. And it sucks. I don't know how else to explain how you feel right now, without being overly emotional or not doing my feelings justice. There seems to be no way to explain it in a way that doesn't make me sound silly. Maybe there is no way to explain it. It feels like there's no way to get over it right now.

I hope that the future is so much kinder to you. Because I want you to know that you deserve love. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now. And you deserve to be first choice. Please please believe me there.

I don't know what situation I'll be in when I imagine future me. Maybe you'll have what you want and be happy. But maybe you'll be happy anyway. Who knows. I just know that it really fucking hurts right now. Currently, it feels like your heart has been ripped out. It's the worst pain imaginable. But I'm trying. I just hope that either way you get to a point where you can be a good friend again. Where you can listen without cringing. Where you feel stronger and more like yourself. Where it doesn't hurt to breathe and you don't feel alone.

The next time you get your heart broken, and I hope it never happens again, I hope you'll know that it does get better. That just because it hurts to breathe now, it won't always. And I hope that you know you'll be happy again. Because that's what you deserve. To be happy and loved. But in the mean time, make sure that you love yourself.

I don't have much more to say right now. Except that I feel pretty shit and sad and sorry. And blergh.

I just want to turn my phone off and go to bed until it stops hurting.

I hope you're all well.

S

Stranded at the heartbreak hotel.

I have no wish to go into any lengths of details regarding the past couple of days.

I just wish to say that something has ended. And I am still in love. I want to say that heartbreak hurts. It's an agony i've never felt before.

I wish I could write something inspiring. Something that might help somebody else. Something about how putting yourself first is a good thing. And that you have the right to walk away from a situation that hurts, despite how much you love that person.

But right now, I can't. I accept that maybe I have done a good thing for both us by walking away. But it doesn't stop it hurting. For now, I have nothing inspiring to say. Instead, I wish to say that I am in love. That my heart hurts. But I have no regrets and I will never stop caring about her.

To anyone going through a similar experience, all i have to say is that you should always be kind to yourself. No matter what, that's important. Don't be afraid to admit that you deserve better, no matter how much you love the other person.

Chin up.

Steph