Let's Talk About Sex...

So let's talk about sex, and this is going to sound like a rant I'm sure. But let's get something straight:

• Men and women can be friends. Opposing genders don't always translate into attraction, an emotional connection or sex. Sometimes, men and women are just friends.
• Two people can be friends without having sex or being attracted to each other. And this applies to a man and a woman, two men, or two women. Sexuality is irrelevant. Friendships can exist without being based on sex. 
• My previous point still stands even if there is an attraction, or mutual feelings, between these two friends. People are capable of self control, believe it or not. 
• Acts of kindness do not indicate, or confirm rumours, that two people are had or are having sex. Sometimes people are just nice, you know?
• Mutual feelings between two people does not guarantee that they've slept together.
• People can be friends without sleeping together.
• We shouldn't be spreading rumours about other people's relationship regardless of whether they're sleeping with someone or not.
• Relationships aren't always what they seem to the outside world and observers.
• Happiness is more important than just sex.
• Rumours and gossip about relationships, and sex, are damaging to people and they cause a heck of a lot of necessary mental stress. So how about no. Sometimes, they are damaging to futures.

I know that we live in a world that is obsessed with romance narratives, and as much as I hate to say it, the porn industry and the glamorisation of sex. Sadly, we seem to have got to a point where sex is now embedded within the very concept of romance and true happiness. We've come to the conclusion that a person cannot be happy if they are not having sex, and regular sex. The confessional narrative within literature and the film industry mean that this now makes a person inadequate to themselves and to other people. People will question and worry why they're not having sex, and what is wrong with them that is preventing this sex.

Additionally, we're at the conclusion that you cannot be in love with someone without consolidating the relationship with sex.

I entirely understand that sex is something we need to talk about. It is something we shouldn't be ashamed of, and embarrassed of. But there is a line between discussing something in the name of removing stigma from previous eras, and simple, idle, gossip that is hurtful. Sex is combined with identity, with success, and happiness in popular culture now. But these are people's lives. Gossiping isn't cool.

So to clear things up, some people are having sex. And some people aren’t. And whatever is or isn’t happening between two people is private.

Have a good day folks!

S

University: an evaluation...

Firstly, happy new blog layout! I've had the same theme since I started my first blog like two years ago. It seemed like it was time for a change!

Firstly, I guess I'm here to evaluate what three years at university was like for me. I started university in the October of 2015, and had decided to study English Literature. And at last, my degree is over!!

It has been bloody exhausting and I have shed so so many tears over assignments. There have been nights when I've had no sleep at all, because I've been awake stressing, or having a panic attack, or writing an assignment. My personal life has been interesting whilst I've been studying too. But no matter what, I've always tried to put studying first. And I can honestly say that I have had the best three years of my life. I have encountered so many people and so much reading material that was previously unknown to me. In so many ways, my life has been completely changed. If I met the version of me that was just about to start university back in 2015, there is so much I would say to her. So I intend to construct a list of practical advice, and evaluate my own experience simultaneously. 

1. The very first thing I want to write about is making sure that you feel comfortable enough to ask for help whenever you need it. So in other words, forming good relationships I guess. The first semester of my final year was awful, and I had a mental break down. It was a really really awful time for me, and I can honestly say I wouldn't have got through it without asking for help and (eventually) admitting that there was a problem. A social life and relationships outside of uni are necessary. Also, find a trusted adult inside university. Talk to your lecturers, you'll learn a lot.

2. Ensure that you manage your time properly!! This was one thing I will admit to failing at in my final year. My time management has been utterly shite and that's contributed to a lot of my stresses, especially toward the end of my degree. Now I can sit here and write a lot of my bad time management off and blame my depression and all the rest of it. Instead, I am going to take responsibility. I know that there were days when I had the opportunity to do a sizeable amount of work. And I didn't. Instead, I favoured reading or watching television. I didn't push myself as much as I should have.

3. This leads me to my next point. Accountability and responsibility. Take responsibility for your own studying, and again your time. University means that a lot of the time you have to rely on yourself and your lectures can only take you so far. You must be willing to do your own research, and give up some of your free time to contribute to this process. Ultimately, you are responsible for everything that happens throughout the course of your degree. Don't expect anything to just be handed to you. You must work for everything you want to achieve. Learn from everything that happens and take it forward with you.

4. Self-care. As much as I'm talking about giving the correct amount of time to your studies, I think self care is really important to the process to. It's about finding a balance, I guess. It's important that you don't put too much pressure on yourself. In my third and final year, I've been surrounding by friends that have put so much pressure on themselves to get a first at the end of it all that it has really impacted their mental health. It is not worth it. You have to come out of this degree a whole person. Do not tear strips off yourself for the sake of finishing your degree. You are perfectly capable of finishing, and being happy with the end result without destroying yourself. Believe that you are good enough. Spending too much time on the grades calculator is not good for a person. It's important that you don't lose your passion for the subject you signed up to in the first place.

5. Finally, it sounds daft but have fun! This doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk and attending social events every week. For me having fun was spending time in the library, having food with friends, even writing essays in a group of my friends. I had an awesome group of friends by the time I started my third year and I couldn't have got through my degree without Lauren, Richard and Abby. I also had my best friend, Sam. I can't put a price on that amount of support.

Anyway, enjoying yourself is important. I'd like to think that your university experience is a memorable one. And going out into the world afterwards seems so much scarier. Enjoy uni, and the studying, the making friends, and anything else that happens to you. It's an experience.

Right, that's me done. I hope that, even as I finish my undergraduate degree, there are people that are studying right now or about to start studying that found this somewhat helpful or even vaguely interesting! You are all admirable individuals and I wish you the best of luck!

Night folks.

S

The Birthday Countdown

Okay, on Monday I turn twenty-one. I am really really excited. I figure it's worth doing some sort of evaluation of my twentieth year on the planet. Like a really honest evaluation. I hate thinking of endings just being specific to New Year. I like to think that I can start again, or create a new beginning any time. Like opening a new book, I guess. Strange, right? Maybe I'm putting too much thought into a birthday; twenty one just seems like a milestone!

Okay, so I want to list a few good things that have happened this year:

1. So I read a lot of good books. Some for university, some for pleasure. Not as many books as I would have liked, but I'm back to reading quickly in my last few days as a twenty year old. I'll maybe include a list here tomorrow!

2. I met my best friend. I formed the strongest friendship of my life; one that I know I will have for the rest of my life. Sam is a one of a kind human being and I'm very lucky to have her in my life. She is completely and totally wonderful. Witty, perfect, beautiful and everything I've been missing in my life until now.

3. I moved out. I got my own place. I'm really really proud of my flat, it's pretty and I get to put all of my books whenever I want them in the flat. That's my favourite thing, ever. I love singing and prancing around in various states of undress (you all really needed to know that...!)

4. I did a brave thing and admitted my mental health was taking a nose dive, and had been for a very long time. Subsequently, I started taking anti-depressants. I've been on them for about 6-8 months and I wouldn't look back. I need them. Twenty was a rocky year. But by the end of it, I can honestly say that it's getting better. I hope this trend continues on into my twenty first year. My mental health is getting better.

5. Simultaneously, I've started accepting and processing a lot of things. It's really bloody frightening but I'm proud of that fact.

6. I've moved on from a lot of toxic people, and this came from a lot of evaluating and facing up to things. I've listened to some advice from people I can now trust (I've now formed a good circle of people that I can trust!).

7. I fell in love for the first time. Totally and completely. And it was beautiful and perfect and made me incredibly happy. It was everything I could have hoped for. And god did it hurt when it was over. But I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was completely perfect. And I have nothing left to say on the subject.

8. Oh oh oh! I've put on weight! For the first time in my life, I don't hate the way I look so entirely. I've put weight on, and I'm okay with it. I eat more regularly than I have ever done. I'm very proud of that.

9. I've formed even stronger friendships with my university friends, and other people. Lauren, Richard, and Abby are three of the most wonderful souls in my world and I wouldn't know what to do without them.

10. Now, I am two weeks away from finishing university (god help me!) and I didn't think I'd make it to the end, and I've thought this on more than one occasion. For a variety of reasons I guess, some big and some small. But finally, I am almost there. I am a few thousand words from finishing and the day I graduate will be one of the best days of my life. It's one of my greatest achievements.

Okay, so I',m done with my self obsessed ramblings. I needed that, I think. The best I can hope is that my twenty first year continues without self hate, continues with achievements and studying, and more love. I will be happy and I will continue to be stronger. That's all I want for the next year.

I hope you're all well and happy.

S x

A letter to a future self...

Dear Self:

So now seems like a good time for a bit of a sit down with myself.

I guess that things are a little bit shit right now. I'm struggling with myself. Steph, right now your heart has been broken for the first time. And it sucks. I don't know how else to explain how you feel right now, without being overly emotional or not doing my feelings justice. There seems to be no way to explain it in a way that doesn't make me sound silly. Maybe there is no way to explain it. It feels like there's no way to get over it right now.

I hope that the future is so much kinder to you. Because I want you to know that you deserve love. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now. And you deserve to be first choice. Please please believe me there.

I don't know what situation I'll be in when I imagine future me. Maybe you'll have what you want and be happy. But maybe you'll be happy anyway. Who knows. I just know that it really fucking hurts right now. Currently, it feels like your heart has been ripped out. It's the worst pain imaginable. But I'm trying. I just hope that either way you get to a point where you can be a good friend again. Where you can listen without cringing. Where you feel stronger and more like yourself. Where it doesn't hurt to breathe and you don't feel alone.

The next time you get your heart broken, and I hope it never happens again, I hope you'll know that it does get better. That just because it hurts to breathe now, it won't always. And I hope that you know you'll be happy again. Because that's what you deserve. To be happy and loved. But in the mean time, make sure that you love yourself.

I don't have much more to say right now. Except that I feel pretty shit and sad and sorry. And blergh.

I just want to turn my phone off and go to bed until it stops hurting.

I hope you're all well.

S

Stranded at the heartbreak hotel.

I have no wish to go into any lengths of details regarding the past couple of days.

I just wish to say that something has ended. And I am still in love. I want to say that heartbreak hurts. It's an agony i've never felt before.

I wish I could write something inspiring. Something that might help somebody else. Something about how putting yourself first is a good thing. And that you have the right to walk away from a situation that hurts, despite how much you love that person.

But right now, I can't. I accept that maybe I have done a good thing for both us by walking away. But it doesn't stop it hurting. For now, I have nothing inspiring to say. Instead, I wish to say that I am in love. That my heart hurts. But I have no regrets and I will never stop caring about her.

To anyone going through a similar experience, all i have to say is that you should always be kind to yourself. No matter what, that's important. Don't be afraid to admit that you deserve better, no matter how much you love the other person.

Chin up.

Steph

Being Brave (...on a life after depression!)

 Morning Folks,

So following Matt Haig on twitter is inspiring. I'll say that first. Sometimes I get to a point where I begin to worry that talking about my mental health is oversharing, and as though I'm irritating. But reading Matt Haig's tweets mean that I feel safe and confident enough to share. I will gain nothing from being silent and afraid, and nor will those that battle alongside me. So I am trying to be brave.

The thing about coming out of depression is that it feels like getting to know yourself again. It feels like one day you've bumped into a person you once knew inside out, but have lost touch with. Except that person is yourself. Life after depression, and life whilst coming out of it, is like having a big long catch up with yourself. Remembering all the things you once loved, what kind of a person you are when you're not lost in a void. It's exciting and new. And yet it is incredibly terrifying to realise how much of myself I had forgotten and ignored.

And that's where I am now. I'm not drowning in the big void, but rather paddling at the edges of it. I can breathe again. The void was not pretty, and whilst I accept that I might end up floating around in the middle again at some point, it's really damn good to just dangle my toes in the water and sit on the grass bank. And there is not a big and empty hole in the middle of my chest everyday. The weight of the world is not on my shoulders any longer and it feels good.  I've been realising that I had completely forgotten to take care of myself, and to do the things that I loved. It has truly astounded me.

In a way, depression felt like an out of body experience. And I am only just checking back in.

I don't know if I'd say I wasn't depressed anymore. I think it still lingers. But I am, very slowly, coming out of it. I am recovering every day. I'm finally ready to talk about things that I couldn't stand to think about a few months ago. I am ready to be brave, at long last. It's strange to me now that I am able to get up and out of bed most mornings without crying, overthinking or lingering for a couple of hours. I can now sit in my bed in the middle of the day and know that it is not because I am depressed.

Okay, I'll admit that I still have panic attacks. And I am still anxious a lot of the time. I still apologise quite a bit (as pointed out by my best friend). My mood still changes pretty rapidly and I still let a lot of things get to me. But I know how to handle these episodes now, and I am getting better at self soothing. I've put on a stone in weight, because I am eating regularly now. And I'm reading again, I'm talking to people, and sleeping more.

Four to five months ago, I wanted to die. I'll admit that. Now, for the first time in my life I have bumped into myself on the street again and I'm not repulsed by what I have found. Steph, post depression, is brighter. Her hair is purple, and she has put weight on. She looks healthy and she has so so much to say. I've realised that I cannot go backwards. I can't go back to the me that I was before I slipped and fell into depression. That ship has sailed, I'm afraid. And in truth, I can't remember what that time of life was like. It seems as though depression has either taken those memories too, or has perhaps always overshadowed my life. I wasn't ready to talk, or to accept help, or to admit that there was something wrong. Instead I have accepted that the person I am now is, essentially, someone that I have never known before. She is new to me, and I am learning to walk in her shoes. They are slightly bigger, but they're very pretty.

I'm not going to sit here and preach about self love, and how that can help. Whilst that's true, I know that until recently I wasn't ready to love and be kind to myself. I didn't know how to, and I just didn't want to. I felt unworthy of any kind of love, especially love that came from within. A lecturer of mine often tells me to ride things like spells of anxiety, and panic out. To simply accept that they are happening, and go with it. But to talk about it. And I'll sit in the office with him, or sit with my best friend, or call my mom. Just to talk about the things that are going around in my head. The only piece of advice I will give here, is to try not to bottle things up. Sharing is good, but only if you feel capable of it.

Forgiveness was a huge and important part of my recovery. Acceptance, too. Accepting that I was depressed, and forgiving myself for it. It was not my fault. I've accepted that I have not always made good choices, and forgiven myself for those too. I've forgiven myself for errors of judgement. For all of the hours I have wasted being silent, and not defending myself. For allowing other people to hurt me. And for all of the harm I have done to myself, as well as other people. There are a lot of things I needed to think about, and forgive myself for. I'm ready to do that now.

I hope that you are all having good weeks, and being kind to yourself.

S

2018 books I'm looking forward to.

Good morning world. So it's like quarter to three in the morning and I am still at work, waiting for a phone call. I've started a book and got half way through. But after the book, I have very little left to do until the phone call comes (whenever that may be). And I really can't fall asleep on a desk. So I decided I'd start a blog post with more good intentions, even though I'm painfully aware that this might just become yet another draft post on this: things that I get lost in, or forget about.

I am quite sure that there is something much more important I am meant to be doing. And if my lecturer reads this, he will most certainly agree with me. However, I'm taking some time this morning to just write. Simply because I need to. And I might return today, but I might not. My head is a little bit full right now. So I'm going to write about books. Books that I am looking forward to being released this year. I'll try to include a Goodreads link for each one!

 I Have Lost My Way: Gayle Forman
I had so so much love for If I Stay, and Just One Day. The only one of her books I haven't read is Leave Me. But it's on my list for this year. Forman is incredibly accessible and I love her YA fiction. Perhaps it is because her writing is simple. I can only hope that it's as good as If I Stay and Where she Went. 

‘‘You gonna be okay,’’ she says.

‘‘How can you know that?’’ Harun asks. 

“When a broken bone heals, it’s stronger than it was before the break,’’ she replies. “Same holds true for broken hearts.’’

 The Next person You Meet in Heaven: Mitch Albom

The Five People You Meet In Heaven changed me: totally and completely. It altered my ways of thinking and outlook on life in more ways than any other book ever has, quite possibly. I've read a couple more Albom novels after this but nothing has ever quite lived up to the brilliance of The Five People You Meet In Heaven. I'm really hoping that the sequel will be the same.

“You have peace," the old woman said, "when you make it with yourself.”
(From The Five People You Meet in Heaven).

 Notes On A Nervous Planet: Matt Haig
Now, I suppose that this is a tricky one and I had a confession to make. I've not yet managed to finish Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive. Why? Because I find it easier to read fiction when I am depressed. I like to escape my head if I can. And when I'm feeling okay, I'm scared of rocking the boat. I am not so far ahead of my depression that I feel I can engage with such a reflective text. Regardless of this, I absolutely adore Haig. I think he is revolutionary. I find him comforting, in his fiction and his tweets! Eventually, I will get around to Reasons to Stay Alive! I am excited about Notes on a Nervous Planet all the same and will probably engage with it sooner rather than later.

 Legendary: Stephanie Garber
Oh my god. Where to begin? I have a big soft spot for YA: especially YA fantasy novels. Caraval was one I received in a Fairy Loot box at some point last year. I think I managed it in one sitting: I was hooked! But I have so many questions! I cannot wait to read this sequel. It reminds me of the Night Circus, but better, which I didn't ever imagine was possible! I thought legend was such an interesting character, and we know so little about him from Caraval. I'm ready for a good back story now. And the cover art is absolutely beautiful. I'll be posting a review of this as soon as it comes out and I can get my hands on it.
“Every person has the power to change their fate if they are brave enough to fight for what they desire more than anything.”  

How Do You Like Me Now?: Holly Bourne

I have a lot of love for Holly Bourne. Late last year, I went to a Waterstones signing for her YA novel It Only Happens in The Movies. She is so grounded, awesome and a really big feminist! She's super entertaining and fun but is passionate about making a change in the world with regard to gender roles and limitations. I love that about her. I'm really interested to see where she goes with an adult novel! I'm very much in love with her Spinster Club series, too; it's fantastic!

And that's not the only Holly Bourne novel I'm excited about....

Look at thiss! This was only announced a couple of days ago, and I am already over the moon at Bourne's upcoming YA publication! I am well and truly fan

Are We All Lemmings and Snowflakes?

It doesn't even have a cover yet. But Bourne is an author that I know will produce something relatable and amazing. Very very excited! There's no Goodreads information on this novel yet, but I'm sure there will be very soon! And August isn't too far away now!

A Court of Frost and Starlight: Sarah J Maas

And finally, I draw this post (or rather a list of excited ramblings) to a close with another of my favourite YA authors. Miss Sarah J Maas. I loved the Court of Thorns and Roses trilogy. Rhysand and Feyre will never ever be beaten by another fictional couple. Not even my love for Elizabeth and Darcy can compare (at least I don't think...). I was sure that Maas would be leaving my favourites behind and branching off into other aspects of this world.

So a novella in the same universe will be absolutely perfect. I cannot wait to get back to all of the wonderful characters!!

It's like quarter to four in the morning now, and I'm still at work. But I'm going to get back to a book now. I get to go home soon (I hope!).

Night Night guys.

Just More Everyday Sexism...

So this week marks 100 years in the UK since certain women gained the right to vote and to stand for parliament. Not all women, I hasten to add. But it certainly marks an influx and that needs celebrating! It’s a remarkable step on a much longer path. This week marks progress and that is wonderful.  I am recognising this week as the anniversary of a small victory. And I leave a picture of the first suffragette that I remember (even though there are a whole lot of contradictions involved in her character!): Winifred Banks from Mary Poppins.

But I suppose as a further step in the right direction, I wanted to discuss something serious and sinister. But I’m getting more and more concerned about the frequency of sexual harassment in the world. I worry about whether or not people are aware of what is sexual harassment. And I worry about how much of it goes unreported for various reasons.

 Okay, so I figure that the best place to start would be the dictionary definition of sexual harassment. It’s a term we’re all aware of. But I think the line is often blurred between what is acceptable and what isn’t.

 The Legal Dictionary provided me with this:

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favours, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that tends to create a hostile or offensive work environment. 

I’d say that was pretty accurate. Apparently, it’s difficult to differentiate between sexual harassment and flirting. I beg to differ and I don’t know why we need articles that differentiate between the two concepts. I did a lot of research in preparation for this post this morning and I found websites like ACAS. Google’s definition of sexual harassment refers to ‘mostly women’ and the Guardian’s article on the differences between sexual harassment and flirting leans toward the same assumption: that women are the only ones who suffer sexual harassment. However, they do offer a checklist to encourage Men to evaluate whether some flirting attempts are sexual harassment. Which, I suppose, is helpful. But it concerns me that this is necessary! However, ACAS acknowledges that 'sexual harassment' can happen to anyone. 

It breaks my heart to hear that anyone suffer these sorts of encounters, let alone my friends and family. And more than once, I’ve suggested that it should be reported and it should. Perhaps this is naive of me. Perhaps I am too hopeful and too trusting of authority figures, to presume that these figures are approachable, trustworthy, and not encouraging of the sexual harassment. 

On more than one occasion I have heard them say ‘but it wouldn’t achieve or change anything’. And this is something I've said myself. That is absolutely disgusting and incredibly sad. I cannot help but wonder how many people are putting up with this sort of behaviour on the account of being too scared to say anything, or simply because knowing that nothing will change. Everyday Sexism, and similar blogs, detail accounts of women that have been afraid to report it, in case they did something to encourage it. In case it is somehow their fault. I wonder how many women think that it can’t be sexual harassment because they view themselves as unattractive - because they lack confidence.

I wonder how many people simply don't know what sexual harassment is. I spoke to my mom, whilst writing this. And I gave her some examples sexual comments and asked her to identify which ones she thought were flirting, and which were sexual harassment. Long story short, it became very clear that not even my mother knew. Which isn't her fault at all! I'm just pointing out the lack of awareness surrounding the topic. And how easy it is to mask these inappropriate comments as harmless flirting. 

I've heard stories of girls that have been groped in the work place. 
Friends that been called ‘sexy’, and guys have commented that they're good with their hands but wondered ‘what else [they] can do with them’.

 To the point where figures of authority are commenting about the size of young women's chests, and suggesting that surgery is an option for any inadequacy in that department. Even commenting that these young women would be more favourable if certain assets were bigger. I've heard young women write these comments off as 'banter'. 

And these comments, and remarks, and these women feeling uncomfortable as a result is considered acceptable. Because they come from authority figures. I'm trying to avoid gender stereotypes. And I'm not saying that women are always victims, and men are always the perpetrators. But the sad, statistical fact is that it is often about power. And those with the power to hire and fire tend to be men, and exploit those without the economic or social resources to walk away, quit or challenge harassers. 

So what isn't acceptable? well, anything that makes a person feel uncomfortable.
But what is sexual harassment? (some of these come with explanations and examples).

1. Asking for sexual favours.2. Sexual jokes. Even the minor things such as being referred to as 'sexy', or somebody enquiring 'what else [you] can do with [your] hands', is sexual harassment. It is critical to realise this. If sexual jokes are being made at your expense, that can also be sexual harassment. 3. Sexual discrimination.
So maybe the jokes aren't aimed at you, personally. But they might be made so frequently that it is making you feel uncomfortable. Even more so if yours is the minority gender in the workplace. Yup, this is sexual harassment.
4. Cyber attacks.
5. Unwanted physical contact.
Not necessarily sexual contact. But persistent and unwanted contact counts.
6. Attacks upon sexual orientation. 

I feel it's also necessary to point out that trade unions can protect their members by speaking up for intimidated individuals. I acknowledge how difficult it is. But I would urge anyone to speak up. For themselves, and for others. 

It's suggested, widely, that chick flicks have contributed to the changing ideas surrounding sexual harassment and the notion of 'banter'. That the women in chick flicks never seem to mean 'no', when they say it. And these ideas have bled into reality. This really, really worries me. There are so so many problems with Romantic Comedies, as a genre. I found a pretty awesome video in which Bill Maher tears the genre to shreds; Comedies in the Metro era! He identifies the limiting plots in which 'she married her boss, stalking is romantic and I hate you, but then I love you'. He even mentions the problems with Disney movies such as Snow White. It will never cease to amaze me that sexual harassment sells, and yet I'm just as guilty as anybody else. And how easy it is to sell it!

One last thing, and probably the most important:

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and are well.

S